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if you don’t have anything nice to say…

July 2, 2009 – 9:28 am

It seems so hard to get anything written lately. One of my excuses is the whole trying to keep with the positive thing that I started here last fall. I am not, at the moment, feeling all that positive.

Things are coming to a head with Mom. It’s hard. We all knew this was coming but now that we are making serious noises about a nursing home, I find I am so not ready. It feels like giving up, it feels like failing her. And then she will be sort of lucid for a while and it feels like it can’t possibly be the time to do this. There is no right thing to do and, I don’t think I’ve said this for a while, Alzheimer’s sucks.

I want a disease I can fight. With cancer, you fight the fight. You win or you don’t win. With Alzheimer’s you spend a lot of time talking about wanting things to be different but even with the new medications, there is no fight. There’s just a long road downhill. When you start the trip it is a gradual incline and you think maybe it won’t get that bad. At the end of the trip, the slope gets more and more steep and suddenly you are sailing off a cliff. How did you not realize there was a cliff at the end?

By Zazzy | Posted in Alzheimer's | Comments (2)

row, row, row your boat

June 24, 2009 – 11:32 am

Yesterday was my day of running around Springfield doing the doctor thing. I walked (with my pretty pink walker) to all my appointments but I admit that if I hadn’t been being stubborn I would have used the chair by the time I got to the last one.

Things went pretty much as expected with good old Dr. G&P. My hba1c was 5.6 which is down just slightly. Dr. Endo is comfortable with keeping my hba1c under 6.0 but is not seeking a freakishly low a1c like some of the experts are currently touting. He thinks I will have little risk of complications at this level and it gives us some room for tweaking the meds. Since I have been crashing most afternoons, whether it’s rehab day or not, we’re cutting my glyburide in half for now. As I keep losing weight, I hope to get off most if not all the diabetes meds.

Speaking of losing weight, the official count is now 117 pounds. I saw Wendy yesterday as well, at Dr. Fattie’s office. I really like Wendy. She is by far the most encouraging person that I deal with from that office. Most of the others are nice enough but Wendy just seems to really get it. Maybe that’s because she deals with us at our most vulnerable, doing the fills and talking about what’s working and what’s not working.

She tells me that I am far ahead of expectations. Even though I’m not doing perfectly, she says that I’m losing more weight faster than her other female patients at this time. I don’t know, I really think I could be doing better, but she encourages me to see where I have succeeded. My band was, as I expected, “loose as a goose.” The chicken nuggets that I ate about half an hour before going in were nowhere to be found. So, she gave me another cc of fill and we’ll see how that works. I still don’t think that I’ve found my sweet spot and I’m not waiting as long this time if I still feel loose. Still, it’s really difficult to tell when I’m not feeling full because the band is too loose and when I’m “not feeling full” because I just want to eat.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about where I am in the swamp lately. Perspective is hard from here. When I’m feeling mired down, I look back and it doesn’t feel like I’ve come that far. I’m not sure whether I’ve really been feeling better or whether because one area of my life was working I was just more able to ignore the rest. Then again, once the sun comes out (metaphorically, there is more than enough sunshine outside and it’s “oppressively humid”) maybe I’ll look back and think the swamp is just a little blip on the stream of life. That’s the problem with the swamp. When you’re in the middle of it, it seems as if it has always been there.

By Zazzy | Posted in Diabetic Zaz, Introspection, Lap-Band | Comments (6)

babies

June 21, 2009 – 4:26 pm

Well, the rightside up tomato plants have actual baby tomatoes on them now. The plants are at least twice the size of the upside down plants. Still, the upside down plants are producing blossoms now so that’s a good sign and they’ve definitely been growing. Except for the poor planter in the middle which is looking kind of sick. I’m not sure whether it’s just that it’s not getting as much light or because it’s not getting as much light it’s overwatered - but I guess if only one pot dies Farmer Zaz will still be doing well. Still, I’m expecting by August that I will have to live outside on the patio and do nothing but water plants all day. Farmer Zaz did not count on that.

By Zazzy | Posted in Miscellzany | Comments (7)

and now a word from the swamp

June 16, 2009 – 8:47 pm

Whatever happened to your happiness project? That’s a fair question as I have not written about it directly in some time now. (oh yikes, since April 25!)

It hasn’t gone away. When I decided to overhaul this blog last fall, I wanted to focus on the positive — in other words, the way out of the swamp instead of the swamp itself. That’s still my goal.

I’ve learned a lot of things on the journey and, as my friend Rendo puts it, I’ve been trying to tack into the wind during the difficult parts. I pick up my oars and row when needed. It’s hard work to get past the stickiest places in my swamp. I get mired in old messages and self judgments. Self doubt and fears hang around me like Spanish moss and try to impede my progress. Still, I have kept trying and I am still making progress, it’s just slowed down a lot right now.

I think there are several reasons for this. When I began the journey, I was all fresh and excited. The changes were certainly challenging and I couldn’t stop talking about them. A lot of those positive changes as well as my biggest roadblock are feeling a bit old hat now. It’s not interesting to me to write “yup, I’m still going to rehab” or “oh yeah, I’m still fighting that grazing behavior at night.” The milestones are fun, of course. And don’t tell anyone else but there are brief moments when I might sort of think that exercise is kind of fun.

So, the newness has worn off my thousand mile journey. The first steps are the most exciting and once I got to the day to day paddling, it just wasn’t quite as much fun. I’d guess that’s a big reason for my past failure on diets and other lifestyle changes. I think I’m at a transition point - “new exciting plan” needs to morph into “normal life.” It’s easy to slide into old behaviors but, realistically, I’m doing and feeling better now. If I don’t lose another pound I am still not carrying around that 113 pounds I’ve lost. Still, I want to keep going.

The other main reason that things are moving a little more slowly right now is that the swamp has become really difficult to navigate. It seems that someone has dumped a load of garbage that I must deal with before I can move past this point. It’s piled up all over the swamp and while I may just be able to push past some of it - some of it is going to be with me for a while. The stress of the situation with Mom, watching her deteriorate, the future of Alzheimer’s looming ahead of us - none of that is going away quickly. Then there is my own stuff - the self doubt, the fears of where I go next, and the tendency to sabotage my progress - those are things I really must deal with before I get out of the swamp for good.

What I realized today - and maybe people on the outside have already noticed and are sitting there thinking, “Well, d’uh!” - is that depression has sneaked in again. I haven’t wanted to look at these symptoms that drop into my little boat, I haven’t had the energy to bail out the leaks as much as I need and I’ve been trying to deny that the rotting wood won’t hold for the rest of my journey. Perhaps it’s time to honestly appraise where I’m at again and then, to pick the oars back up and keep paddling. It’s not time to give up.

By Zazzy | Posted in Happiness Project, Introspection, Lap-Band | Comments (7)

diabetes, lap-bands, and food issues

June 9, 2009 – 11:42 am

It seems that I’ve been thinking more than writing lately. My thoughts are a little confusing and maybe a little contradictory - and a lot of the thinking is in the areas of diabetes, eating disorders and the lap-band.

Going back to our friend Scott and The Butter Compartment, it really is interesting, when you think about it, how much having diabetes exacerbates our food issues. In my case, the food issues came first, diabetes just complicated them. Perhaps for others, the diabetes came first and created these food issues.

I’ve been pondering the differences in the food issues between type one and type two. Scott and Ms. Thill write from a type one perspective and while I can imagine what some of those issues are like, I haven’t really experienced them. There are times that I have had insulin-envy. The thought of being able to correct for a poor food choice is sometimes very appealing. During the holiday discussions on Diabetes Mine there was a lot of what at the time felt like type two bashing to me. The message I kept hearing was “people with type two are stupid to think I can’t eat sugar, I can eat whatever I want I just correct for it.” Looking back, instead of focusing on the negativity I felt was there, I’m thinking those comments are indicative of the complex relationship people with type one have with food.

As someone with type two, I share some of the same food issues and I have some different food issues. I think we share the guilt of not eating perfectly, not managing our sugars perfectly, sometimes having to eat when we don’t want to eat, using the low to justify eating something perhaps we shouldn’t eat, and just generally being tired of having to deal with this all the time. Diabetes and it’s constant focus on what you eat and when gets into your head in a not-always-healthy way. I’m curious about the idea that diabetes (especially type one) may actually create an eating disorder.

I came into diabetes already eating disordered. In my life, I ran the gamut from anorexia to bulimia to compulsive eating. Of the three, compulsive eating is the hardest to define and the most likely to be seen as a weakness of character. This definitely plays a role in my diabetes care and not always a good one.

Ms. Thill wrote, “…in the end, there really is no one else to blame but me. I did it. I’m responsible. I’m the one who fucked up.” I react pretty strongly to this statement and I’ve spent the better part of a week thinking about why.

I have type 2 diabetes. I am (still) seriously overweight. I knew that diabetes was a risk and had even described myself as “diabetes waiting to happen.” The media is constantly telling me that I could have prevented my diabetes. This is all my fault.

I am all for personal responsibility but this is a bad headspace to be in. It’s a damn short journey from “This is all my fault” to “I’m an abject failure and don’t deserve anything better.” It’s a really difficult balancing act for me to take responsibility for my eating and diabetes care without constantly beating myself over the head with what a failure I am for every perceived imperfection.

Is it personality type? I know people on both sides of diabetes who are fighting that same balancing act. I think it may reflect the food issues/disordered eating we both are facing.

Complicating my life right now, food issues are fighting it out with the lap-band. For the past couple months I have been dancing around the issues. I am fucking up. Yes, sometimes it’s fairly minor and sometimes it’s a lot worse but it still comes down to I am making some really poor choices and don’t seem to be able to stop. Think of me as the alcoholic who is keeping it together most of the time and only gets drunk at night.

One of the first things I learned as someone with diabetes is how to over-eat and still keep my sugars in range. Even now, with nightly poor choices and/or binges, I think most diabetics would be happy with morning sugars between 95 and 105. “See,” I can tell myself, “it’s not that bad.” The same issues relate to the band. It’s not that difficult to eat around the band. Simply eating small extra amounts when I’m not hungry is probably my biggest band issue.

Which brings me back to the concept of “I can eat whatever I want so long as I take my insulin.” Isn’t it possible that that is disordered thinking, too? There has got to be a difference between occasionally eating something off your plan and covering it with insulin and consistently having to add insulin to cover your food choices. That is what scared me the most about the possibility I would need to go on full-time insulin. I know that I would be likely to use insulin to justify eating badly because I could correct for my choices.

I’m still losing weight, albeit more slowly, and I justify my bad choices. I say to myself, “Look at my blood sugars, look at my weight loss, I’m not doing that badly.” But I am doing that badly. There’s a difference for me, too, between occasionally eating off plan and consistently skating that line.

I don’t know how to get past this issue. The only thing that comes to mind is “just do it.” That sounds so easy. Just make good choices. Just stay on the plan. Just don’t eat when I’m not hungry.

But, says my head, there are times that I have to eat when I’m not hungry. I am rarely hungry in the morning but I have to eat because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Breakfast gets your body and metabolism started for the day. I have to eat after working out because my hands are shaking and I feel disconnected at a blood sugar between 61 and 71. I feel like I have to eat at certain times of day because if I wait until I’m really hungry, I will almost certainly make even worse food choices.

My rationalization skills are really very good.

There are issues with the band that some people have a lot of trouble with that I didn’t have that much trouble changing. I don’t drink with or before and after meals, for example. I am not having that much trouble with small portions most of the time - but I am having trouble with “wasting” food if I am full when half way through whatever I’m eating. I’m not having much of an issue with small bites and chewing thoroughly. THAT has a pretty immediate reinforcer built in with the band. I still eat too fast and don’t pay enough attention to what I’m eating while I’m eating it. My method for dealing with that is the small portions. My biggest roadblock right now for both the diabetes and the lap-band is grazing in the evening. All rationalizations aside, that has to stop.

By Zazzy | Posted in Diabetic Zaz, Lap-Band | Comments (7)

what if

June 4, 2009 – 1:30 am

I found myself laying there in bed just a bit ago, not sleeping because, dayum! I’m in a lot of pain this week, and thinking - what if? What if this is as good as it gets? What if I can’t keep this up any longer? What if I gain weight back?

This is undoubtedly coming from my very poor food choices this week. I’ve very much been in the “what difference does it make?” headspace. That headspace has almost certainly come from the stress around Mom, who, now that she is home is not seeming any better than when we took her to the hospital. A lot of the stress with her is knowing that we’re running out of options - and feeling like we should be able to take care of her despite evidence to the contrary. She requires constant supervision now and it’s just not possible. But, that’s another story, isn’t it?

So, I’m feeling stressed and I’m in a lot of pain and I’m reaching for what I know. I’ve used food nearly my whole life to mask physical and emotional pain. In a peculiar way, I’ve used worries about my weight and dieting to mask or avoid pain as well. It was pointed out to me years ago that I have to keep myself overweight in order to keep the “need to lose weight” that I use to avoid other difficult things. That’s the eating disorder merry-go-round. And lately, the past few days at least, I’ve not felt like it’s very possible to get off that ride.

It’s so easy to return to old behaviors. It’s so hard during the difficult times to NOT return to old behaviors. I feel like I’m fooling myself. I may have thrown Ed out, but haven’t I always eventually taken him back?

Tomorrow is a new day. It’s time to finish today and let tomorrow be new and fresh. To not hold on to the failures and foibles of today. So this is me, drawing the line.

It seems, however, that a lot of people are thinking about eating, eating disorders, food and diabetes this week. Yes, diabetes is one of the “what ifs” going through my head. I see Dr. Great and Powerful in a couple weeks and get my new insulin-free a1c. What if it sucks? What if I’m going backwards? What if I can’t maintain these changes?

Our friend, Scott wrote both on his blog and in an article on dLife about his struggles with food and diabetes. He linked to a post at The Butter Compartment about diabetes and eating disorders as well. They’re well written and thought provoking posts. There are things I want to say about them but now is not the time. Now is the time to try and get some sleep so I can have that fresh and new day in a few hours.

By Zazzy | Posted in Alzheimer's, Diabetic Zaz, Introspection, Lap-Band | Comments (5)

finishing the day

June 2, 2009 – 4:03 pm

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today has been a better day, so far, than yesterday. Funny how I immediately feel a need to qualify that! Yesterday I had poor sleep, low blood sugars, feeling crummy and Mom coming home all leading, before I realized what I was doing, to an evening of emotional eating/grazing.

Today I’ve been fighting the desire to eat because I’m in physical pain. Apparently, carbs do help decrease pain or helps you deal with it. But rational rationale or not, it’s not a good thing so, since being aware of what and why is helpful, I’ve been avoiding it all day. Please let me keep up the good work this evening.

Mom appeared, yesterday, to be just as confused and delusional as before she went to the hospital. Most likely, it was just the transition back to home. She kept saying that she wanted to go home and we’d tell her that she was home and she’d smirk (yes, smirk!) and say - “I want to go to MY home.” It wasn’t possible to find out where she thought that was but she did recognize Petee and Stasia. It’s really strange when she is oriented to some things but not others. She told me how she’d just spent three weeks at school straightening things out for them but she decided she was too old for school now.

It’s draining when she’s like this. I don’t cope with it well and, again, I feel like I should be able to do more. If I can’t fix her, surely I can sit with her and let her be safe and loved. But, I can’t take it longer than and hour or two. Right now, I think those are my limits. Does one accept one’s limits or try to change them? When I spoke with her this morning she seemed much more coherent. I guess we’ll see how she’s doing this evening. The doctors have told us that it will take 4 to 6 weeks to see how much the new medication can do for her so we need to be patient.

These days, we’re getting by part of a day at a time. Most parts of my day go pretty well and I have to allow that some of them don’t. But when things are not going as well as I’d like, I’ve got to move on to the next part and let go of what just happened.

By Zazzy | Posted in Alzheimer's, Introspection, Zazzy's Notes | Comments (4)

end of the week

May 30, 2009 – 1:34 pm

What a long week this has been. We got Mom to the hospital last Sunday with not too much trouble. She was a little in and out about understanding where she was going and why. Still, I’ve been pretty pleased with what they’ve been doing. They got her off the drugs we don’t like and have started her on some new meds - both getting off the Xanax and starting a new class of anti-psychotics has already appeared to help a great deal. She’s been confused, particularly in the evening, but she doesn’t appear to be too delusional and isn’t hallucinating. The confusion I think we can manage and may improve when she gets home, possibly Monday or Tuesday. We’ll have a few weeks before we can tell how well the meds are really working.

The biggest issue is driving up there all the time. Dad and I are switching off days so neither of us has to make the drive every day. Still, I think we’re both pretty worn out. I do rehab on my off days and I’m just plain tired. Rehab is going pretty well. I’ve lost another three pounds this week so I seem to be at the right place as far as diet and activity go.

I’m doing better at finding the soft stop when I eat. I treated myself to Mr. Yen’s orange chicken on Tuesday and ate about half of it before deciding I couldn’t eat any more. Then Thursday, I went to the Gem of India and had Lamb Chaputi. Man, that was good but seriously hot. It was hot enough that my stomach protested. I ate my leftovers for lunch the next day and cooled it down with some sour cream and still ended up wishing I had some Pepcid handy. My plans got a bit derailed today. I’ll be leaving for the hospital soon and I find I want to graze more when I have time on my hands, still doing okay.

Not a lot going on otherwise. If I have time tomorrow I’ll be making lasagna with zucchini instead of noodles. If it turns out good I’ll post the recipe on Chickens and Eggs. I’ve been pretty bad about getting anything up there recently. I have a new goal of making something new and interesting and posting it once per week. Never gonna be a full time food blogger I guess.

By Zazzy | Posted in Alzheimer's, Lap-Band, Zazzy's Notes | Comments (2)

on practicing what I preach

May 27, 2009 – 1:04 am

“I believe it is essential that you become a loving and tolerant friend to yourself. Do you act as a sheltering tree in your own life? Take a moment to think about how you treat your friends. Do you express the same kindness and consideration toward yourself? Many of us hold a deep-rooted belief that we don’t deserve to be loved. “They” deserve friendship, but for some unfathomable reason, we don’t. This is a false belief. We are worthy of love. We do deserve our own support and friendship.”
~Sue Patton Thoele

As I was pointing this out to a friend, I have to admit that this is an area in which I still struggle. How many of us are better friends to others than we are to ourselves?

By Zazzy | Posted in Quickie | Comments (0)

terribly embarrassing moments

May 25, 2009 – 6:51 pm

Last night something, I don’t remember what at the moment, triggered the memory of a Terribly Embarrassing Moment from childhood. I don’t even recall what memory it was, now, but last night I felt the abject humiliation of the person who does something foolish in front of others - and who may have had some difficulty laughing at herself at the time.

I realized, as my face turned pink, that while that event was a Terribly Embarrassing Moment for me, I couldn’t remember even one face or name of someone who had been there with me. And suddenly it dawned on me - no one else cares. No one remembers whatever it was that I did or said that was so embarrassing. No one out there is sitting around thinking about that silly little moment in time.

And I felt, at least for a while, free. Those moments in my past are probably no different from anyone else’s Terribly Embarrassing Moments. They seemed so important at the time and even the memory of some of them makes me cringe — but it’s my memory, my regret. No one else cares. How about that time that I sat doodling the name of a boy I liked on my notebook so that the other boy I liked would see and not think I liked him? Not too obvious there, was I? I bet that neither he nor his friends remember the incident and I find myself wondering whatever happened to him?

A corollary of that are the events and incidents of my childhood and adolescence that I regret. Those times where I said or did something to hurt someone else.

To the very nice boy who invited me to prom that I turned down because I was hoping for another boy to invite me, I’m sorry. I should have gone with you and had a nice time. As it was, I didn’t go at all.

To the nice but nerdy boy who had a crush on me that I didn’t talk to because I was embarrassed by his crush, I’m sorry. I was the nice but nerdy girl in the same situation with other boys and I should have known how it felt.

To the co-worker who didn’t know me that well yet who I joked about being “ready to pop,” I’m sorry. I thought you were beautiful in your pregnancy and I have always thought I was funnier than I really am.

To the former client that I avoided, I’m sorry. It was me that couldn’t deal with the situation and not your fault.

There are other memories that randomly come into my head from time to time. Some are embarrassing, some make me sad and some, well I’m sorry for some of the choices I made. But each of them is past. It’s time to let go of that past, I think.

By Zazzy | Posted in Introspection | Comments (3)