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little things

July 3, 2008 – 9:27 pm

Dr. Great and Powerful sent me the letter of medical necessity. It’s not got a cc on it so I guess I had best send it on to the surgeon’s office. It’s interesting. I asked for it. It’s necessary for approval for the surgery I think I might want. It’s awfully damned hard to read those things about yourself.

Is that who I am? Can all my failures be summed up in a list of medical conditions and the words “we have not been able to help her lose weight.”

I continue to have mixed feelings and moments of panic about this. It is such a complete lifestyle change. Can I do it?

Mom continues to deteriorate. Sometimes it’s more obvious than others. It is sometimes sort of sadly amusing but I have to be honest, the little bits of amusement get further and further apart and seem less funny and more sad. She has a new thing. She has started coming downstairs when I’m making dinner and telling me not to make anything for them, they aren’t hungry.

The thing is - they have done that for real although it’s been a while. So, I’m afraid I’ve reacted rather badly. It is a pain to have to find out whether I am cooking or not while I am in the middle of cooking. I’ve decided, and told Dad, that I will assume that it is false unless he comes and tells me they don’t want dinner. I’ll tell mom that I will finish making dinner anyway and we’ll see if they’re hungry by dinnertime.

It’s just a little thing, really. A little thing like her pointing at some small red potatoes and asking what they were. A little thing like her not being able to taste the blue cheese in the waaaaay over-powering blue cheese cole slaw I made (Yuck, do not try Smitten Kitchen’s recipe for this one or back way, way off on the blue cheese). It’s just a little thing that takes a hold of my heart and squeezes until the tears come out.

My friend John’s mother died with Alzheimer’s a couple weeks ago. I wonder when we’ll be facing that. She was doing better than mom for a long time and then, kind of suddenly, practically ran downhill.

I’ve been feeling sad a lot lately. There are so many little things. Most of them not worthy of remembering or talking about - but they add up. They add up until they’re big and heavy and I’m very, very tired.

By Zaz | Posted in Alzheimers, Bariatric Surgery, Depression | Comments (1)

what I love about cats

July 1, 2008 – 4:59 pm

“Oh, you know that mousie that you haven’t been able to find since February? I think I’ll play with it today.”

Clearly knew where it was all the time.

By Zaz | Posted in Odd Bits | Comments (1)

attn: entrepreneurs

June 29, 2008 – 12:05 am

Or perhaps I need a venture capitalist? I don’t know enough about those things.

A few days ago, perhaps a week or so, Hannah asked me if money were no object, what job would I do? What would make me say, “I can’t believe I get to go ____.” It’s an interesting question. She thought I should run a Bed and Breakfast but that really isn’t me. Still, some of the aspects of a B&B are interesting.

I have had a job fantasy for a long time. It’s shifted a bit over the years but not dramatically changed.

I’d own a bookstore. Not just any bookstore, mind you. I always pictured it in a cute little Victorian house. I’d have cookbooks and pottery from local artists in the kitchen and romance novels in a lacy bedroom. Humor in the bathroom don’t you think? Used books in the basement, of course. A garage for home improvement. And I’d serve great coffee and have comfortable chairs and good lights for reading.

Not, perhaps, a very practical plan. These days, I know how difficult it is for some to get around and my cluttered little Victorian house wouldn’t work well for, say, people like myself. Also, my interests have changed a little.

What about a wonderful little shop and café? It would have an open kitchen designed to look like a home kitchen. I’d sell cookbooks in my little café and shop. And kitchenware. I love gadgets. The café would feature sandwiches and soups and little cookies and desserts from featured cookbooks which would keep the menu constantly changing. I’d use local produce and other foods, cooking seasonally. And wouldn’t it be great to have chefs promote their cookbooks by giving cooking demonstrations?

I want mismatched plates and cups and flatware. I want interesting and different tables and chairs. It would be great if they were made by local artisans - everything on sale, you know? There are so many possibilities. It’s a great fantasy.

I’d need a great location. And a bunch of money.

p.s., what about you?

By Zaz | Posted in Zaz's Blog | Comments (16)

on with the show

June 26, 2008 – 11:33 am

I got the packet of information and releases and history off into the mail yesterday. My tum was too sick to go out the day before. I am so enjoying byetta, let me tell you. Presumably the side effects will lessen over time. Perhaps it is a good thing that it makes me too nauseous to eat. Strange though that I still manage to eat too much.

I’m trying, again, a little something different with my food plan. One of my known issues is having trouble identifying when I’ve eaten enough. That’s physically enough, not emotionally enough. I bought some small dinner rolls to make mini-sandwiches on. Two mini sandwiches have less carbs and fat than one regular sized sandwich. Perhaps I’ll switch to one mini-sandwich in time. I felt satisfied with two for breakfast with a side of my bean salad. I am starting to feel hungry now, a little early for lunch so it may have been the right amount. Not too much, not too little. Whether or not I have the surgery, I need to make changes now. If I can cut back on bread and work again on identifying physical hunger and fullness, it’ll help with the major changes I will have to make with the surgery. And perhaps it’ll help with the current issues of high bg and weight.

I got asked some questions about the process the other day. Weight loss surgery can be extremely effective for a lot of people, but it clearly isn’t right for everyone. Most insurers seem to be paying, now, if certain criteria is met. Meeting the criteria can be difficult and I feel like some of it is a little catch-22.

The main issue that could catch me up is I’ve never done a medically supervised diet. That’s one where you go in and get weighed and they tell you what to eat. It should in theory include counseling and nutrition guidance. I’ve never had a doctor suggest it. We’ve discussed the medications for weight loss that are available but they were never considered appropriate for me. Most are contraindicated because of my heart issues or digestive issues.

At any rate, a medically supervised diet may be required before I can move on with the process. I guess I can get a referral through Dr. Great and Powerful or maybe he does them through his office. I feel a little frustrated by it. I don’t see the difference between this and Weight Watchers or any other structured diet. I do see the potential for a lot of depression. What does it say if I succeed? What does it say if I fail? What does it mean if, as usual, I succeed for a while and then fail? How long does it take before it’s considered that I’ve given it a fair shot?

So, this is the first stage. Just getting approved as a potential patient. History, letters of medical necessity from my docs, review by insurance. Will there be a face to face meeting in there? I don’t know.

I’ve had a lot of sadness the past several days. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to get an appointment with the shrink. I’m still waiting to get in with the physical therapy I’m supposed to start in Aurora. This is not an easy journey. It was a hard decision. In a way, it feels like giving up. But haven’t I already given up anyway? As Eve said the other day, the surgery is just a tool.

I think I’m a little hypersensitive right now. I am feeling rejected, a lot. For example, one of the WCB bloggers I’ve been visiting and occasionally commenting at made a big deal post yesterday about how she cleaned out her blogroll and got rid of all the boring blogs that she didn’t like. Like me. I’ve cleaned out my list at various times. I delete blogs that no longer update or I’ve lost interest in. I’ve never deleted someone who was an actual, active visitor. An OC’er did the same thing last year. ‘Tell me if I’ve left you off,’ she said. ‘I’ll fix it.’ Well that didn’t happen. There’s no other way to read that then rejection.

I remind myself this is not the real world. People online seem even more comfortable than they might in the real world just walking away from you. With a stroke of the delete key, you don’t exist any more. Also, no matter how much I might want to be liked and accepted, the reality in all of life is that no one is universally liked. I’m not going to be liked by everyone and I remain amazed that anyone but the live search bot ever comes by this silly piece of self indulgence.

I’m not asking for reassurances, just stating a fact. Very few people are going to find my introspective babbling interesting or useful. I’m glad that a few friends feel they can relate. I just can’t help feeling sad by all of it. There is such a feeling of junior high about blogging sometimes. I wasn’t one of the cool kids and I reckon I never will be.

But I’m still here. One day at a time, one step at a time, I make it through another day.

By Zaz | Posted in Bariatric Surgery, Byetta, Depression, Zaz's Blog | Comments (17)

train

June 24, 2008 – 3:26 pm

Total Training is having another sale on the training access I want. I mean, I think I want. If I only did three of the trainings and they were at least as good as these stupid classes - they’d pay for themselves. I was planning on no spending any more money this month.

Think. Think. Think.

By Zaz | Posted in School | Comments (2)

and another thing

June 23, 2008 – 9:26 pm

The other thing I’ve been avoiding is my database homework. Databases make me feel really dumb. I resist feeling dumb and overwhelmed by not trying to figure out the homework. I got part of it right last week and I have a feeling that eventually things will click into place. Right now, however, I want to go back to doing things I understand.

I’m almost done with the surgery paperwork. I’m down to the last two pages and my least favorite part. How do you remember all the diets you have been on and when they were and when you gained the weight back?

Must finish both things tonight.

By Zaz | Posted in Bariatric Surgery, School | Comments (5)

how long…

June 22, 2008 – 5:46 pm

It’s been quite a week, really. I’ve written about weight loss surgery as a choice, a possibility. I even sat on a waiting list for a doctor who closed his program without notifying those of us waiting. I’ve weighed the options, considered the risks and this week, attended another informational seminar.

And I guess I’ve decided to go ahead with the process. Which means, this past week I’ve been avoiding the paperwork. I’ve gotten most of it done now, I think. I just need to finish up the history and send everything in. Then I can wait for the call from them for an intake appointment to discuss the possibility and appropriateness of the surgery for me. Doesn’t that seem a little backwards? I guess it is but the amount of paperwork and approval needed is phenomenal.

And I’m not entirely sure that when I get to the end of the process, even if I’m approved, that I’ll go through with it.

But I feel like I’m out of other options. There are a lot of depressing statistics about being able to lose weight and keep it off. I was watching Scientific American last night (which you can now see on hulu) - the show about weight loss. Most of their little study group had gained back the weight, except for the two people who had surgery.

Everyone I’ve talked to says it has worked for them. My biggest fear (by far bigger than my fear of death) is that I’ll have the surgery and fail. That would be the source of my ambivalence. It feels like my last hope and what if I do it and fail? What if I risk my life and fail.

The good news from the informational seminar is that the lap-band is considered more effective for those of us who need to make long term behavioral modifications. People who stick with it gain back weight less often since the band can be adjusted. It is slower weight loss in the beginning but pretty much equal after 5 years. And it is reversible if you fail.

So…. that’s a lot of what’s been going on this week. Weighing options and doing paperwork.

By Zaz | Posted in Bariatric Surgery | Comments (8)

weekend cat blogging #159

June 21, 2008 – 1:11 pm

This weekend, the cat blogging is being hosted by Bazel over at The Mind of Mog. Bazel looks tremendously relaxed about the whole thing.

Stasia couldn’t agree more.

By Zaz | Posted in WCB | Comments (2)

julköttbullar

June 18, 2008 – 12:35 pm

No pictures today but y’all ought to be able to imagine meatballs in your head. I’d give you links to the original recipes but these are kind of a mash-up of several recipes to incorporate different ideas from different (but genuine) Swedish cooks.

It all started a few weeks ago when Dad was whining that I make too much Mexican food. I don’t, but anything with any spice in it is “Mexican” to him. Bear in mind that this includes Indian, Italian, Spanish and once, French food. Why didn’t I make any good old Swedish food?

So I did.

julköttbullar (Swedish meat balls)

ingredients

1 pound ground beef (.45 kg)
1 pound ground pork (.45 kg)
1 small onion (about 1/4 cup grated onion), grated or whirled around in the food processor
1 large egg, beaten
about 1/2 cup of heavy cream (1 dL)
2 pieces bread whirled around in the food processor (about 1 cup/2 dL fresh bread crumbs)
salt and pepper
1/8 teaspoon, each, cinnamon, ground ginger and ground cardamon (a heavy pinch)

Whirl the bread up first and dump it in the bowl, then whirl the onion. In a bowl, mix bread crumbs, cream, onion, egg, salt and pepper and the cinnamon, ginger and cardamon. The amount of flavor that the small amount of spices give the meatballs is amazing.

Put the pork and beef in the food processor with the blade attachment. Add the bread crumb mixture and whirl around until well mixed (and looks gross). (edit: allow the meat mixture to rest in the refrigerator for at least 1/2 an hour before forming balls)

You can fry or bake your meatballs. I used the mini-muffin pan method. Roll meatballs lightly in your hands - roughly a large walnut size. Place one in each mini-muffin cup. You will have leftovers since I can’t ever get the amount right. Do what I’m going to do - make meatballs and freeze them to cook another time - or bake a second batch.

Bake at 350°F (175°C) for 25-30 minutes, until browned on top.

Serve with lingonberry jam (like you will ever find that) or cranberry sauce. Interestingly, none of the “real” Swedish meatball recipes I found had them swimming in that brown sour cream sauce.

kokt potatisgratäng (potatoes au gratin)

Can you picture escalloped potatoes, too? These were honestly incredible. I know that escalloped potatoes are easy to make - but mine always fail. Not enough milk, too much milk, potatoes that just won’t cook, etc. These are obviously once in a while potatoes. As in only as often as I can find excuses to make them.

ingredients

2 extra large or 4 medium-ish potatoes (about 1 1/2 pounds, I think), peeled and sliced thinnish
1 medium onion, sliced thin
2-3 cloves of garlic, smushed and minced
1 cup heavy cream (235 ml)
1 cup whole milk (why cut the fat at this point?) (235 ml)
1 heavy pinch of salt
freshly ground pepper to taste
1 tablespoon olive oil

Preheat the oven to 425°F (225°C).

In a large saucepan, saute the onion with a heavy pinch of salt until soft, add garlic and saute a couple minutes more, being careful not to burn the garlic. Add the milk and cream and bring to a boil. The mixture should taste a little too salty.

Add the sliced potatoes (do not hold them in water first, you’ll lose the starch and you want that) to the milk mixture and softly boil for 10-15 minutes. The potatoes should be tender but not mushy and the starch will have thickened the cream sauce some.

Pour into a 2 quart casserole dish that has been oiled or sprayed with non-stick spray. Push the potatoes around in the casserole until more or less even.

Bake for 30 minutes or so. Keep watch that the top doesn’t brown too much, cover if necessary. Potatoes will be tender, top will be golden brown and the sauce will be lovely and thick when done.

The fact is that I made the meatballs and the potatoes at the same time, so I fudged around with the temperatures. I started the potatoes at 425°F and cooked them about 15 minutes, then turned the oven down to 375°F when I put the meatballs in the oven. The meatballs took a good half hour and the potatoes were done at the same time at the lower temp. Just saying.

By Zaz | Posted in Recipes, Zaz's Blog | Comments (4)

after midnight

June 17, 2008 – 12:20 am

It’s after midnight and Stasia is still outside somewhere. She’s not an outdoor cat - she’s far too dumb to be an outdoor cat. Once again, mom has opened the door and stood there while Stasia ran out. I know it’s the Alzheimer’s. I tell myself I can’t blame her. But Stasia could die. We have fox running around the area, raccoons, feral cats, bobcats, coyote and sometimes even a bear, I hear. We have legal trapping at the waterline. Rattlesnakes and water moccasins and an overflowing lake.

That’s worst case scenario. Maybe by the time I finish typing this and go check again she’ll be waiting at the door to come in. But what if she dies or just never returns? How am I supposed to feel? It was an accident. It was the Alzheimer’s.

She is my baby.

nota bene: The magic wand is in the blogging. Hit post and walk out to check and there she is, apparently fine or at least with no wounds I can see. Maybe she was over at the neighbor’s eating their cheap catfood. And after I bought her a brand new bag of blue buffalo.

I’m glad she’s home. I regret not being able to beat her for running outside but I’ve always felt that beating her after she comes in didn’t send the right message.

By Zaz | Posted in Zaz's Blog | Comments (7)